Monday, August 23, 2010

And now it's time to leave and turn to dust.

what the world man? that's all i'm sayin; what the world? i have a feeling this is going to be a lengthy blog, so just a warning for those of you who do not like reading oodles of information. i'm not at all upset or in any kind of mood right now, just kind of mad at the world. i never did anything to it, why must it hate me? i do one thing right and BAMO something has to come in a ruin it. i am trying, however, to turn things around. make the best out of everything possible. i suppose that is the only way anyone can survive on this planet. maybe i should make some kind of list. like a bucket list. i don't want to do that though, say "ahh i am going to do all of these things before death" and blahblahblah, that is so...cliche. the last thing you would want to think about is death, right? hmph, i am stumped. i'm 16. two more years and wha-bam, i'll be an adult. wow. will i make a good adult? live the life planned for me by God? i can only hope i guess. i feel like i have so many....expectations put upon me. by my parents, elders, siblings, friends. they all say "ah you'll go far one day Kels." but will i? what if i don't? will they all be dissapointed? that's probably the worst thing i could ever hear, is that someone is dissapointed in me. my dad told me he was dissapointed in me once, i was in the 8th grade. i made a D in science class. sure, it sounds like it was minscule, but i wouldn't talk for like a week. if that t-niny little D made me feel that bad, what would it feel like for a bigger dissapointment? i don't think it would feel actually. if i dissapointed my parents or anyone for that matter that badly, i wouldn't even feel anymore. i'd be numb. i've been nagging about dissapointment in family and crap lately, but i jsut came to an even bigger realization. what if i dissapoint myself. i don't really think of myself often. even though my parents call me selfish, which i am at times. i don't think of what i want to do with my life, or what i should do with my life. i am kind of in a teenage slump. i wish i could just stay this way forever, or at least until i figured out everything. no rush, i could just grow up when i wanted to. i know it's like "oh you're only 16 sweetie, don't rush" believe me, i'm not the one rushing, it's life that's rushing. i'm a junior this year. dad is taking me to see colleges. COLLEGES. what? where did my life go for the past 15 years? i'm graduating in a year. only one year. jeez louise. on top of all this school stuff, i'm trying to find myself with God. what am i meant to do for his kingdom? what do i do when i can't feel him anymore? how do i get our connection back? has he forgotten about me because i've forgotten about him at times? i would understand if he did, but oh God I hope you haven't. i see people saying "oh i am just living life right now, i have no religious view" i respect them as a person, but how on earth can someone just not have a view on anything? if that person once had a relationship with the Lord and just left, how could they forget how wonderful he is to them? if they felt anything like i do, then how can one just leave that all behind them? why would they want to?

so. many. questions.


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